Saying Goodbye...

There is such a huge difference between going and gone. That is what I have learned this month.

My Nan, Shirley, was/is the most influential person in my life from a very young age and on January 7th she passed away. We got the news of her cancer in June of 2013 and immediately counted her out. 

After all, she was in her late 80's, smoked most of her adult life, weighed an astonishing 75lbs and didn't eat enough to keep a sparrow alive. Her idea of fruit was apple pie. Her idea of hydration was King Cole tea. Her idea of a relaxing day was baking 18-20 loaves of bread and giving most of it away.

She was amazing. 

I spent many hours with her over her 6 month stay in the hospital. Watching her. Talking to her. Praying for her. I came to realize one thing; no matter how much time you have to "prepare" or get used to the idea of someone leaving or passing, nothing can prepare you for that moment when they actually go. 

Being the youngest grandchild gave me great advantage and I loved every second I spent with her. I swear she told me everything about herself and her life, twice. She was a lifetime of love, kindness and compassion. Her hands held me when I was sad, her lips kissed me before I left her house, her eyes teared up every time I told her how much I loved her...she was many things to many people but she was always a blessing to me.

As she told me all those years ago, the day finally came when she was gone. I had held her hand. I had said goodbye but she was still gone. Not coming back. 

I don't usually like to talk about God with people. I'm not religious and have never identified with a specific "group" or church.
My Dad always used to say that his church was the woods. It is where he felt most connected to whatever THAT feeling was. Now that I am older it sounds like a form of meditation. There is no distractions. No reason to not just be. That really resonates with me as an adult.
So, my whole moral code in life has been by her example. Now with her gone I realized a couple things.
Nan never went to church, only on Christmas Eve. She cursed like a sailor. She always had a dirty joke. She called me a bitch if I beat her playing rummy.
BUT she was the most Christ-like woman I have ever known.
She helped everyone. There were 2 neighbour ladies she helped with groceries, errands, cleaning and did their hair. There was always baking going out the door with company. She volunteered at the hospital for over 3 decades. She would always say "Whatever good you do in this world Jilly, comes back to you. Same with the bad."
This business of Heaven being a real place...I believe it with every cell of my being. I know she will never really be gone. And sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks, this overwhelming sadness that she isn't sitting on her porch drinking tea or that I can't call her with a funny story or my day to day chatter.
I have chosen to embrace it. I let it flow over me and feel the loss because I realize now that you only feel a loss that strong when you have loved someone as much as I loved her. That is a rare gift.

As I sit here, 9 months pregnant I am reminded that life really is an amazing experience. I got to experience 27 years of her love and to witness it in action. She got to meet my little girls and got to hear all about the little boy coming into the world at any time. For that I am so grateful.

Loss, is now part of my journey but that loss has shown me what is truly precious in this life....Love.

For the past 3 years I have wanted to start a blog. There has always a reason not to. Either I thought no one would read it or what I had to say couldn't possibly be as important or interesting as other people who had blogs. 
This is totally outside of my comfort zone. My birthday is July 20th which makes me a Cancer. This means I am ruled by my emotions...and if something worries me, I tend not to do it or avoid it all together. I am also ruled by instinct and intuition. Since the tugging about a blog never left, I knew I was just being a huge chicken shit and had to act.

The past year I have been riding a huge wave of change. Not just lifestyle changes but attitude changes. I have a desire to live an authentic life, not to just be a huge faker.
Of course changes of these magnitudes start somewhere. 
The beginning for me was leaving a job that I once was in love with. It turns out that it was all an illusion. What once was real and true became impossible and full of ego. So, I bailed. I got the hell outta there with every ounce of myself that I had left.

The next thing I noticed were relationships. I realized I had so many toxic people in my life, toxic thought processes and I was very judgmental. Not just of others, mostly of myself and the people I loved the most. Brutal.

Then I noticed my girls. My babies. I was constantly distracted. There was always a "Just a sec!" or "No, not right now".  Then I would sooth my distractions with a big fat dose of television. Or Netflix. Or Facebook. Or. Or. Or. The list goes on.

I decided 2 things when I started to realize these things about myself. 
1. I am not living my life this way.
2. This ends now.

I saw a quote that meant so much to me. As time passes, it means even more.
"Everything is energy and that's all there is to it. Match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get that reality. It can be no other way. This is not philosophy. This is physics." -Albert Einstein 

What I can take away from that is that if you want to live a positive life, you have to have a positive outlook. Period. If you want to be negative, your world will be negative. Simple as that.

2014. I welcome you with open arms. I see all my past experiences as a propeller pushing me in the right direction, even if it didn't seem like it at the time. 
As I prepare for the birth of our 3rd baby, I am at peace. Peace with the past, present and future. 
I have 2 beautiful little girls who are hilarious, sweet and everything I could have ever imagined. I have a husband who is my biggest cheerleader (he actually dressed up like one once for Halloween..pigtails, beard, even the skirt). 
I still stumble. Often.  But I don't stay there nearly as long as I used to and nor do I want to. I love my life and the ones in it and I want my day to day attitude to reflect that.

This outlet, not only for creative reasons, will hold me accountable.
I have so many things I am passionate about. My family, my body/mind/spirit, cooking, finding things to laugh at in day to day life. Anything and everything. I can't say you will always find me interesting but I'm cool with that because I think I'm alright. Oh, and I curse quite often. If you get easily offended, this probably isn't a regular blog you should be reading. Out with the old, in with the amazing. 

"Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid." -Goethe


<3 Jill