Here We Go Again

I was diagnosed with Lupus when I was 16 years old. After a gazillion blood tests, bleeding times, being poked and prodded, and finally a bone marrow test; I got the diagnosis of Systemic lupus erythematosus.
Honestly, all I could hear was George Costanza saying "Is it LUPUS?!" over and over again but this diagnosis explained why I had been having crippling joint pain, I was exhausted and could sleep up to 15 hours a day, and I had these red rashes that showed up once in a while.
After being given the gears from a doctor with the bedside manner of a newt, off I went with my steroids.
Being on steroids fucking sucks. I was on a very high dosage and had insomnia. I felt nauseous all the time. To top it all off you get bloated....as if being nicknamed "Moose's Sister" wasn't hard enough, and I felt like I looked like Brian Wilson minus the beard.
I had my bouts over the years but lets flash forward to August 15th, 2007. I had just turned 21 and moved across Canada to Calgary, Alberta. BOOM, pregnant.
Don't get me wrong, I had the best doctors I could possibly have. I was doing everything "right". Except on my way to work every morning on the subway, I would pass out for a few seconds.
This happened right around the 5 month mark and my doctors determined my platelet's were too low.
I had my first blood transfusion at Christmas time that year the day before I flew back to New Brunswick to surprise my family. It was terrifying.
When my OBGYN talked to me about being induced, I went for it at 37 weeks. My platelet's again were dangerously low and I had 9 blood transfusions in total by the time Ellie was born via caesarean section at 11:17am on April 17th, 2008.
My recovery was just the worst. As most ladies know a C-section should take 6-8 weeks to heal completely. At 14 weeks, my incision was still open and needed to be cauterized shut. Burning flesh, nice.
During my pregnancy with Maggie, I was blessed. I didn't require any transfusions until I hit the 36 week mark. I felt awful and looked like a ten gallon drum with a head on it but she was healthy. I had 5 transfusions. My final transfusion finished around 1am on November 27th. I was all set to be discharged in the morning and couldn't wait to sink my teeth into some samosas at the Boyce's Farmers Market.
I had terrible cramps and figured it was the Subway I had, which to this day I cannot eat or even think about without gagging.
I finally got my chubby bum outta bed and WHOOSH, water broke right there in the hospital. My poor husband, Steve, didn't even touch the floor. He just sort of appeared in the doorway of the bathroom.
Margaret was born the good old fashioned way. She reminded me so much of Ellie...the little grey-blue eyes.. looking up at me like she was fresh from Heaven. Ah, remembering those times makes me ugly cry uncontrollably because I know if it weren't for those experiences I wouldn't have known how much you could love this little tiny human whose coo's and gas smiles made my heart explode with joy and fear that if I didn't sit and watch every single one that I would just crumble.

Steve and I decided we would try for our third child around mid-May 2013. I decided after 2 days I was chickening out. Too late, bun in the figurative oven already.
I suspected early but tests were all negative. On my Mom's birthday, June 1st, 2013 I got the biggest positive out of all three. We had just accepted an offer on our house we had been trying to sell....what the HELL were we going to do, was all I could think.
I felt this time would be different. When we told our girls we were having another baby, Ellie piped up as confident as could be and said "Yeah, I know. It's a boy. His name is Zeke."
I never did suffer from morning sickness with Ell or Mags but this time around I was sick all day. I could only eat English muffins, rice cakes and herbal tea.
I decided to have a Reiki session with my kind friend, Tracey. Cured. I no longer had sickness of any kind.

June 28th my sweet Nan got her diagnosis of lung cancer. I have always felt like there is a divine rhythm to everything. Time. Experiences. People. But why her, why now?
I have been so blessed to have some very special ladies in my life. My dear friend, Pam, helped me so much and I had taken all 3 levels of Reiki with her as my teacher.
She came into my life at a time when I needed an alternative to what cards I thought I have been "given".
Pam explained to me something called "Emotion Code". Simply using muscle testing we are able to address any "blocks" or emotional baggage we may have that is gumming up the works.
Almost always we have beliefs or experiences that have caused these blockages and they are very easily removed.
I had truly believed last year that I was 'unable' to have a healthy pregnancy. After clearing this and a bunch of other beliefs and emotions, I can say my blood work was perfect.
For all you skeptics, I completely understand if you aren't there. Even if it is all in my head--I still had a healthy pregnancy! I even gave myself a session with another great friend Bev, for my 27th birthday.
I rolled into my final trimester with a spring in my step and junk in my trunk. I gained only 25 lbs...I wore my normal jeans until 30 weeks.
My OBGYN informed me because I had a natural birth and a C-section, I would be closely watched in my final month and possibly induced by 36 weeks.
My Nan passed away when I was 35 weeks, 6 days pregnant. Bless her heart.
My cousins even made jokes about if I would be able to deliver the eulogy because they were sure my water would break. But, off I waddled and gave my Nan the best send off with words that I could.

37, 38 & 39 weeks came. I had still been seeing Pam on a regular basis and she was keeping me in line (ha!) I was finally scheduled to be induced the morning of February 6th. 1 month, minus a day since Nan had passed.
As most nesting mothers, the night before was spent folding laundry, getting groceries, sipping tea and eating an obscene amount of sour cream and onion chips.
A storm had started and Steve was playing hockey with his friends. My girls were snug in their beds. And then the cramps started. A fluke, I thought. Then they were about 7 minutes apart.
I called my Mom and called Steve. Off we went!
Sweet Arlo was born February 6th at 3:37am. I could already tell he was different from the girls because he didn't even cry...he just looked up at me with those big eyeballs...like he knew me for 1000 years. In that moment (just as I had with my girls) I cried. I sobbed for this little life that was laying across my chest. How was I lucky enough to be HIS Momma?! Ahhhh, that is what life is all about. If there is such a thing as Heaven (and I believe there is) I know my Nan was there to guide this little boy into my arms.
He is an old soul, my boy. Those little eyes have stories behind them. That little smerk is going to get him out of a whole lotta trouble and the DIMPLE! My heart....

Those first couple nights were spent in my dim room. I studied his little hands and feet. I traced his lips...trying to remember every possible thing I could. I made those sweet promises that Mama's make...how you will always protect them, snuggle them, and ruin any girls life who steps through that door looking for him...HAHA! Just kidding...kind of.

It has taken me a while to post a new blog but only because I had to process the first couple months of 2014. Loss, life, sadness and joy. But as I can hear my Nan saying, "Hey, that's life!"....

And then there were 5.

I know that Holistic Health and alternative medicine is becoming very popular. I am a Reiki Master. I am able to use emotion code and Theta Healing.
I have been in remission from Lupus since 2010 when Maggie was born.
When I changed my beliefs about Lupus, I changed my health. I do not believe I have Lupus. It was a symptom, not the problem. This is where I am now. Who knows what the future holds but I do know how grateful I am for the lovely ladies in my life who are able to share their gifts of healing and knowledge with me.
It might be hard to understand, this alternative health idea. But skeptics, I ask you this: If I believe I healed myself and have on record a clean bill of health, does it really matter if you believe? No.
I have a very close relationship with God. The Source. The One. Whatever you are comfortable with.

I am healthy. I am happy. I am working on myself and being who I am meant to be.
I meditate. I do Yoga (not hot yoga because that was cruel and unusual punishment and I passed out in the locker room)...and I do my best with what I have where I am.

I have been reading 'Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss'. 
She said "The physical world is nothing more than our classroom and the challenge is for us to decide whether to make choices that enhance our spirit or to drain our power."

Enhance your spirit.

"All great changes are preceded by chaos." -Deepak Chopra

Love to you all.
Jill

Saying Goodbye...

There is such a huge difference between going and gone. That is what I have learned this month.

My Nan, Shirley, was/is the most influential person in my life from a very young age and on January 7th she passed away. We got the news of her cancer in June of 2013 and immediately counted her out. 

After all, she was in her late 80's, smoked most of her adult life, weighed an astonishing 75lbs and didn't eat enough to keep a sparrow alive. Her idea of fruit was apple pie. Her idea of hydration was King Cole tea. Her idea of a relaxing day was baking 18-20 loaves of bread and giving most of it away.

She was amazing. 

I spent many hours with her over her 6 month stay in the hospital. Watching her. Talking to her. Praying for her. I came to realize one thing; no matter how much time you have to "prepare" or get used to the idea of someone leaving or passing, nothing can prepare you for that moment when they actually go. 

Being the youngest grandchild gave me great advantage and I loved every second I spent with her. I swear she told me everything about herself and her life, twice. She was a lifetime of love, kindness and compassion. Her hands held me when I was sad, her lips kissed me before I left her house, her eyes teared up every time I told her how much I loved her...she was many things to many people but she was always a blessing to me.

As she told me all those years ago, the day finally came when she was gone. I had held her hand. I had said goodbye but she was still gone. Not coming back. 

I don't usually like to talk about God with people. I'm not religious and have never identified with a specific "group" or church.
My Dad always used to say that his church was the woods. It is where he felt most connected to whatever THAT feeling was. Now that I am older it sounds like a form of meditation. There is no distractions. No reason to not just be. That really resonates with me as an adult.
So, my whole moral code in life has been by her example. Now with her gone I realized a couple things.
Nan never went to church, only on Christmas Eve. She cursed like a sailor. She always had a dirty joke. She called me a bitch if I beat her playing rummy.
BUT she was the most Christ-like woman I have ever known.
She helped everyone. There were 2 neighbour ladies she helped with groceries, errands, cleaning and did their hair. There was always baking going out the door with company. She volunteered at the hospital for over 3 decades. She would always say "Whatever good you do in this world Jilly, comes back to you. Same with the bad."
This business of Heaven being a real place...I believe it with every cell of my being. I know she will never really be gone. And sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks, this overwhelming sadness that she isn't sitting on her porch drinking tea or that I can't call her with a funny story or my day to day chatter.
I have chosen to embrace it. I let it flow over me and feel the loss because I realize now that you only feel a loss that strong when you have loved someone as much as I loved her. That is a rare gift.

As I sit here, 9 months pregnant I am reminded that life really is an amazing experience. I got to experience 27 years of her love and to witness it in action. She got to meet my little girls and got to hear all about the little boy coming into the world at any time. For that I am so grateful.

Loss, is now part of my journey but that loss has shown me what is truly precious in this life....Love.

For the past 3 years I have wanted to start a blog. There has always a reason not to. Either I thought no one would read it or what I had to say couldn't possibly be as important or interesting as other people who had blogs. 
This is totally outside of my comfort zone. My birthday is July 20th which makes me a Cancer. This means I am ruled by my emotions...and if something worries me, I tend not to do it or avoid it all together. I am also ruled by instinct and intuition. Since the tugging about a blog never left, I knew I was just being a huge chicken shit and had to act.

The past year I have been riding a huge wave of change. Not just lifestyle changes but attitude changes. I have a desire to live an authentic life, not to just be a huge faker.
Of course changes of these magnitudes start somewhere. 
The beginning for me was leaving a job that I once was in love with. It turns out that it was all an illusion. What once was real and true became impossible and full of ego. So, I bailed. I got the hell outta there with every ounce of myself that I had left.

The next thing I noticed were relationships. I realized I had so many toxic people in my life, toxic thought processes and I was very judgmental. Not just of others, mostly of myself and the people I loved the most. Brutal.

Then I noticed my girls. My babies. I was constantly distracted. There was always a "Just a sec!" or "No, not right now".  Then I would sooth my distractions with a big fat dose of television. Or Netflix. Or Facebook. Or. Or. Or. The list goes on.

I decided 2 things when I started to realize these things about myself. 
1. I am not living my life this way.
2. This ends now.

I saw a quote that meant so much to me. As time passes, it means even more.
"Everything is energy and that's all there is to it. Match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get that reality. It can be no other way. This is not philosophy. This is physics." -Albert Einstein 

What I can take away from that is that if you want to live a positive life, you have to have a positive outlook. Period. If you want to be negative, your world will be negative. Simple as that.

2014. I welcome you with open arms. I see all my past experiences as a propeller pushing me in the right direction, even if it didn't seem like it at the time. 
As I prepare for the birth of our 3rd baby, I am at peace. Peace with the past, present and future. 
I have 2 beautiful little girls who are hilarious, sweet and everything I could have ever imagined. I have a husband who is my biggest cheerleader (he actually dressed up like one once for Halloween..pigtails, beard, even the skirt). 
I still stumble. Often.  But I don't stay there nearly as long as I used to and nor do I want to. I love my life and the ones in it and I want my day to day attitude to reflect that.

This outlet, not only for creative reasons, will hold me accountable.
I have so many things I am passionate about. My family, my body/mind/spirit, cooking, finding things to laugh at in day to day life. Anything and everything. I can't say you will always find me interesting but I'm cool with that because I think I'm alright. Oh, and I curse quite often. If you get easily offended, this probably isn't a regular blog you should be reading. Out with the old, in with the amazing. 

"Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid." -Goethe


<3 Jill